Acceptance

Recently I have found myself feeling things that I could not put a word on or even find the words to share what was going on inside. I realized I have been in a cycle of grief, but not over a death or loss of a person. I am grieving the life I had pictured for myself, for my family. September 11, 2017, I received a diagnosis that totally changed the course of my life. It was an answer to the puzzle of my mental illness but it was not what I was expecting to hear. In fact, it was something I had never even heard of. From the moment of my diagnosis, I have met with doctors and therapist to find the best plan on how to move forward with my diagnosis. I have went from taking 9 different medications to one. I go to therapy 3 times a week, just to stay out of the hospital. This is not the life I would have chosen for myself, I would have much preferred a magic pill that made it all go away. Here's where the grief comes in, I have bargained with my therapist to say there has to be a different way. I get angry because I didn't choose this, to flat out denying that I have this mental illness, and at my worst depression can creep in and overtake me. I am working on that big word- ACCEPTANCE. What I am learning is acceptance isn't a feeling, it is an action. It is me going to therapy despite how I feel, it is doing the homework I get assigned that makes me face my diagnosis. To me acceptance is about taking the steps to move forward. The more I fight accepting my reality, the longer I will be held back.  The Oxford's living Dictionaries defines acceptance as a"willingness to tolerate a difficult situation." Life is full of difficult situations and unexpected things. There are so many things in life we will never understand and so many of those things we won't have someone to blame for it. Grieving for the loss of someone cuts so deep and can leave a person paralyzed emotionally. Similar can happen when we grieve something in our life; whether it be the life you dreamed of having, the job you lost, loss of a relationship, or even a new diagnosis for you or a friend or a loved one. Unfortunately, life doesn't stop for our grief, even though we feel like it should. What I am learning is it does get easier, with each new day and each new step forward in acceptance, I am getting through it, you can too. Take time to grieve but don't hold on to it. Grief comes in waves and some days it will hit you out of no where but you have to keep moving forward. I am not telling you to push it away, feel the grief, let the emotions come and go naturally. Take the time you need to heal and when the grief wave passes, gently pick yourself back up and start moving forward. I know this isn't easy and may even seem impossible, but you've got this! You will make it through!

We all have dirt floors, why are you sweeping yours?

"We all have dirt floors, why are you sweeping yours?" I’m a picture person so this is a good visual for me. Think about it, there was a time when most homes had floors that were the ground itself, dirt. Think about all the other things the women were already doing. Now picture a woman in the village that hears another woman is coming over, so she frantically starts trying to sweep the dirt out of her home. It doesn’t make sense, right? Would you agree it is a bit ridiculous? Why? Because everyone has dirt floors! For all you mom’s that do not know, we ALL have toys/laundry/dishes and even *gasp* dirt. Here’s the thing, if we all have it, why are we trying to hide it? I remember when I used to go over to other women’s houses for different things, and they would be spotless and immaculate. Usually not even a toy or dish to be seen out of place. I also remember my mom turning into nothing short of psycho before we had anyone come over, sorry mom. Raise your hand if you have ever stuffed something in the ottoman or in the bedroom before someone came over, just so your home looked less lived in? I’m raising both hands. I’m the mom who thought I needed to organize my kid’s toys by style in their bins and alphabetize their bookshelf, because that’s what I thought good moms do. You know what good mom’s do? We play with our kids, we live in houses where there are spots on carpets, fingerprints on the walls, and even dirt on the baseboards. If you happen to live in a spotless house every moment of the day and you have children, please teach me your ways. I just want to know who set these unrealistic and very stressful standards. Why are we doing this to not only ourselves but to others? I’m done pretending. Yes, I clean my home but I am not going to make it look like it isn’t lived in. I refuse to continue to try to be someone I am not. I am a great mom, who lives a very busy life. Everything isn’t always put together or done. So, if another mom wants to come over I promise to not organize my toy bins or hide my laundry piles in an unseen room. An old proverbs says “It takes a village.” Ladies, we are a village, a community of women just trying to do this thing called life. This whole front we try to put on to make it look like we have it all “together” needs to stop. We are creating our own cycle between us. We are leading the women around us, the younger generations, to believe these lies that we lead pinterest picture lives. We judge ourselves because our house doesn’t look like our neighbors, our neighbors judge themselves for similar reasons. Stop all the judgement, let go of the guilt. Scoot the laundry pile over and invite a friend in. Please for the love, stop taking creatively angled pictures that hide your mess, or not posting a great pic of your kid because there happens to be a hanger on the floor behind them. Come on ladies, let’s be real with each other. We’ve got this! 

Transition

Transition, this is the word that has been on my mind lately.  The word carries different meanings in today’s culture. Many people are in transition and aren’t even aware of it. I wasn’t aware of it myself. Webster’s dictionary defines the word as a: “passage from one state to, stage, subject, or place to another: change.” It also defines it as a: “movement, development, or evolution from one form stage, or style to another”. This last week we were moving the kid’s rooms around, we were moving our boys into their own rooms. I don’t know about you, but we had that one room that could be defined as no man’s land. It was a put all for all the things that just didn’t have a place. As we went through all of the things inside of that room, we were having to pull stuff out and move things around. It was such a mess. I have just spent the last couple months making my home clean and clutter free (for the most part). To walk around my home with boxes in different areas, stuff in new piles, and just so much junk…it was overwhelming. There were moments I wanted to scream, let’s be honest I may have lost my stuff a time or two. There were times I had to close myself in my room and shut down for a bit. As I was discussing this past week with one of my therapist, I said “I guess this is just what happens in transition.” I realized that I had been overwhelmed in fear of going back to where I started. I was afraid that I was back at the starting line. When in reality, I was the furthest thing from it. It hit me. It wasn’t just my physical home in transition, it has been my heart and my mind. Transition is hard, transition isn’t easy in the least bit. I think the most relatable image of transition is labor. With my 4^th child I went all natural, after many hours I thought I was done. I remember screaming, crying, and begging my doctor to just cut me. I was ready to give up and not too long after those moments I gave birth to my amazing miracle daughter. I know for me when I lose sight of where I am, I start to only look at the things around me. I see the mess, I feel the pressure and the pain from everything coming to a head. This is where the choice matters, unlike childbirth not all transitions “birth” naturally. I need you to know, I need me to know, that the end is in sight. You may be sitting here thinking you are right back where you started. You aren’t, you are right where you are supposed to be. In order to get through it, in order to get to the “end” you have to keep going. Don’t give up. It’s time to push. You have come such a long way, I know you are tired, but you are almost there. You can do this. So, wherever you are right now, if you are looking around at your “mess” or feeling like there isn’t much more you can take- press in, KEEP GOING! What you have been waiting for is right there, you are on the brink of your breakthrough! You will get through this! I will too! We’ve Got This!

Enough

A new beginning, a closed chapter, a few pauses, and a continuation- all are words that describe my life right now. I am a 30 something year old wife, and I am a mother to 4 beautiful children, aren't all of our kids beautiful? They drive me crazy and melt my heart all depending on the time of day. I am a soon to be a college student, working towards a degree in Social Work. I finally decided what I wanted to be when I grew up! I am also living with a mental illness that has caused me to be in deep depression for most of my life. I have lived most of my life in cluttered chaos. The last 2 years, mostly the last 12 months, I have been working hard in therapy to get out of the place I was in. My therapist has easily become my life coach and one of my biggest fans. Look mom's, I get it. You're exhausted, you're limits are stretched, at the end of the day you are going to bed wondering if you were enough. You are whatever the word normal means. We are all in this together, we are all in our trenches. I struggle on a daily basis with being enough. Am I good enough mom? Good enough wife? Good enough friend? The list could go on, the pressure we put on ourselves is ridiculous. What if we were enough just by being who we are? That is what I am learning. Balance. To live my days within the means of myself. Some days I can stretch more, some days I can give more and others I have to take a step back and take it easy. In all of those days, I AM ENOUGH. You are too. For the mom's who made it out of bed with their depression and got to the couch- You are enough. To the mom with a pile of laundry that has been sitting there for only God knows how long- You are enough. From the working mom to the SAHM to the mom who's kids are all grown and gone- You are all enough! Take a deep breath mama! You've got this! I am saying to this myself, as well. These are the words I have to repeat to myself over and over on a daily basis. I am enough. I know many other mom's who share the same struggle. What I have learned speaking with them is that we are the ones putting the pressure on ourselves, putting the limits on ourselves. Our kids aren't going to remember the pile of dishes in the sink but they are going to remember how we treat them. They are going to remember how we spent our time with them. So, pick up that baby and put down the guilt of your "shoulds". Turn up the music and dance with the little ones around you, as the colors of all the unfolded laundry fades behind you. These are fleeting moments, let's let go of the weight we are placing on ourselves and be who we were made to be. We are enough. I am enough. You are enough. We've Got This!