Acceptance

Recently I have found myself feeling things that I could not put a word on or even find the words to share what was going on inside. I realized I have been in a cycle of grief, but not over a death or loss of a person. I am grieving the life I had pictured for myself, for my family. September 11, 2017, I received a diagnosis that totally changed the course of my life. It was an answer to the puzzle of my mental illness but it was not what I was expecting to hear. In fact, it was something I had never even heard of. From the moment of my diagnosis, I have met with doctors and therapist to find the best plan on how to move forward with my diagnosis. I have went from taking 9 different medications to one. I go to therapy 3 times a week, just to stay out of the hospital. This is not the life I would have chosen for myself, I would have much preferred a magic pill that made it all go away. Here's where the grief comes in, I have bargained with my therapist to say there has to be a different way. I get angry because I didn't choose this, to flat out denying that I have this mental illness, and at my worst depression can creep in and overtake me. I am working on that big word- ACCEPTANCE. What I am learning is acceptance isn't a feeling, it is an action. It is me going to therapy despite how I feel, it is doing the homework I get assigned that makes me face my diagnosis. To me acceptance is about taking the steps to move forward. The more I fight accepting my reality, the longer I will be held back.  The Oxford's living Dictionaries defines acceptance as a"willingness to tolerate a difficult situation." Life is full of difficult situations and unexpected things. There are so many things in life we will never understand and so many of those things we won't have someone to blame for it. Grieving for the loss of someone cuts so deep and can leave a person paralyzed emotionally. Similar can happen when we grieve something in our life; whether it be the life you dreamed of having, the job you lost, loss of a relationship, or even a new diagnosis for you or a friend or a loved one. Unfortunately, life doesn't stop for our grief, even though we feel like it should. What I am learning is it does get easier, with each new day and each new step forward in acceptance, I am getting through it, you can too. Take time to grieve but don't hold on to it. Grief comes in waves and some days it will hit you out of no where but you have to keep moving forward. I am not telling you to push it away, feel the grief, let the emotions come and go naturally. Take the time you need to heal and when the grief wave passes, gently pick yourself back up and start moving forward. I know this isn't easy and may even seem impossible, but you've got this! You will make it through!